Get Over Being Cheated On

I’d rather have reconstructive gum surgery without anesthesia, than deal with another breakup caused by my partner’s inability to keep his penis to himself. Being cheated on is the absolute worst. And by worst, I mean the one of the most soul amputating, skull splitting, experiences of your entire life.


Which scientifically is not that far off from the truth, as studies have shown that most breakups can cause pain on both an emotional and physical level. Your dopamine levels spike drastically, heightening the need for any memory that comes to mind be fulfilled right now. But since you can’t text, talk, kiss, snuggle, or binge watch Homeland episodes together anymore, your intense cravings just turn into intense sadness, every single time. Simultaneously, there’s a part of your brain releasing stress hormones that signal throughout your body that something bad is happening to you right now. This is what makes your heart, mind, digestive and immune systems feel ill for weeks, or months, or sometimes even years.

Which, oddly enough, is all totally normal. In fact, research  shows this biological process is actually healthy if it helps you move through feelings of betrayal, anger, insecurity and sadness in due time. But if you’re ready to cut the tears and get your life back on track (and maybe find true love again) I’ve got three tips below that can really help wrap this mourning process up real quick. Check it out:


Step 1: Get A Trusted Council in Place
It’s super tempting to not tell a single soul that you’ve actually been cheated on in the first few weeks of your breakup. I mean, it’s hella embarrassing — you know you sported that love like a new Fendi bag for months. Swinging it all up in your friends and family’s face, like ‘this the last bag I’m EVER gonna need’. Until you accidentally tear the lining one day and discover the whole goddamn bag was a fake. Fake leather, fake satin and a fake button that was suppose to keep his penis in a compartment marked ‘for my eyes only’.

However, not talking about it, no matter how embarrassed you feel,  is probably one of the worst things you can do. But you don’t need to tell everyone you know — just a few trustworthy and nonjudgemental friends to help you work through the emotions of the betrayal and heartbreak. Friends who will support your random outbursts, read all your 1000-character text rants, and clear your fridge of all the ice cream and wine when you’ve gone too far. Their support will help you heal much faster than keeping all your mourning to yourself.


2. Know That This Will Be It’s Hard AF
In his book about the psychology of love and spiritual growth, The Road Less Traveled author M. Scott Peck starts off chapter one with this: “Life is difficult.” No shit, son. Really? But his point goes on to further illustrate that when when we stop expecting anything to be easy, that’s when life actually starts to feel more doable. Hmmm.

Sort of like the way you walk into the office on a Monday and brace yourself; you know the day will be crazy, but you ultimately solve every problem and survive the day — every single time. Your breakups are the same way, and especially after being cheated on, you should brace yourself for this hurting like all hell. But when you pre-plan your healing with strategies that you know will bring you health and strength (like running, writing, journaling, resting, yoga, travel, therapy, etc.) then you stand a better chance of get through this thing like any other Monday. It will be hard, but it won’t be impossible. (The book is actually a really great, post-break up read.)


3. Give It Up to Something
My dear friend gave me a piece of advice that shifted everything for me during my last cheating breakup. She had heard me out for months as I sorted through with my anger and confusion, until she finally concluded on Monday night, “Girl, you gotta give it up to God.” Now I don’t care if your God’s name is Janis, Dick, Amed or doesn’t exist at all — believe me when I tell you this was more truth every Prince album combined. Because what she really was saying is that I don’t need to carry around this pain inside of me any longer.  And I can make a choice to give it up, right here and now, and let God, the universe or the trash man deal with throwing it out later.

All you have to do, is let the universe know that you’re on some different level now. You know when you think about suffering you only get more suffering. So change it up. Whip out your journal and write down the life you want to manifest next: It felt really great this week to finally feel some peace and forgiveness towards, John. My life feels better and I feel like myself again. Or if you prefer to direct dial the powers above, then fold them fingers, tuck them under your chin, and skip over the long part where you pray for your pain to finally be lifted. Speak like you ordered that shit with fries last week, and you are enjoying the deliciousness that is your mental freedom right now. I believe my prayer went a little something like this:

God, I’m cool with my life, and cool with the strife that brought the many blessings I have around me today. It feels good to forgive him and be happy for both of our current places in life. It feels good to be light and free, and more creative than ever before. And finally it feels amazing to be in harmony with my purpose and at peace with my life and it’s direction. Thank you for all these gifts and the bigger and better (and loyal AF) penis that’s on it’s way to my doorstep right now —my body is clean, shaved and ready!

You da best,  xoB

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